he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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