You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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