you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
