smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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