my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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