I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Actions speak louder than pants.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
