i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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