I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
