GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
