its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
