I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
