Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
