i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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