The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
