Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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