You're completely useless in the revolution.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
