Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
