Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
