That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
