Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
