things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
