Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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