Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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