The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
