My sheets look like a crime scene.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
