Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
