I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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