i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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