I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
