I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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