a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
