she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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