i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she smelled like a LAN party
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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