I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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