you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
