Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
