I will die if light touches me.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
