a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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