Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
