you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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