I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
