My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
