I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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