i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
