Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You have to summon your inner elephant
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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