She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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