sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
