mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
