The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
