this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
it's not cheating when I paid for it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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