Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
