How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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