I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Randomize
