now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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