ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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