Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize