I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
