I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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