If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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