he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
