o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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